Amac Productions

Welcome to Listen To This!

If you’re new here, welcome! Every month, I’ll drop a new wild story from all my years working in retail! Names and other identifiers have been changed so everyone may remain anonymous. All terrible customers will be referred to as Karen.

On with the show!

Closed is not a suggestion. Hours of operation are not operational. Nor are you special. Just because you showed up, just because you’re here does not mean you get to stay or will be helped.

As a matter of fact, I’m willing to help you way less if you show up two minutes to close or decide to keep browsing after I told you we close in a couple of minutes.

The General Nonsense closes at nine on the daily. Except Sundays, we close at seven.

This is not up for debate and the amount of people who think it is, is insane to me.

People who wish to browse at five minutes to close are maddening.

“Can I help you find something?”

“No, I’m just browsing.”

Well, browsing time is long over. That was some shit for an hour ago or earlier in the day or tomorrow unless you have a time machine. But what you do not have is time right now. None whatsoever.

I didn’t ask if you needed help to be polite or provide customer service. I’m long past that. I’m here to usher you out of the building as quickly as possible because I want to go home somewhere close to the time I intended. And so does everyone else I work with.

I’m not sure what you have against your home, but I like mine, and wish to return to it sooner rather than later.

The other day, we had a woman who appeared with two minutes to close.

Not joking.

Exactly two minutes before close.

I know it, because I told Karen when she entered the building. Because I was standing there ushering the people who were in the building out and ensuring everyone who entered or tried to enter, we were closing in just minutes.

And you know – most other people were really chill about the close.

Most of them didn’t realize the time or know the hours, but each of them said thank you and left.

No ‘browsing’ and no urges to just use the bathroom or look for something ‘real’ quick and then not ask for help.

Like…? Also an extra annoying thing that happens at close, but I’m not talking about that right now.

I’m talking about this Karen who was told that we close in two minutes, said okay, and proceeded into the building anyway.

No.

What is not okay, is this. Leave.

Karen walks in, glances around.

And as much as I would like to, I work for a major corporation that doesn’t give a shit if I go home on time as long as they make their money. Which is the long way of saying I’m not allowed to stop people from entering the building until we’re actually closed.

Until then, I have to smile like I’m not dying on the inside and plotting the murder of this inconsiderate person.

Because like what could you possibly need?

Currently, at this General Nonsense location, I don’t sell anything you would need.

Like we have books.

I’m sure you can wait for a book until tomorrow. And if you can’t, you’re poor planning does not constitute an emergency on my part.

You knew your book report, book club, or whatever else you need it for was coming up. Plan better.

Not my problem.

Also, still not an emergency.

Like say, running out of diapers. Realizing you don’t have enough for the night and rushing to the store minutes before close. Okay, I’ll buy that. I can live with that.

A book?

Not so much.

So Karen walks in, looks around, doesn’t give me a title but asks where the newest James Patterson book would be.

I said on the best seller bay right there.

I point even and walk her a bit closer when she gets lost moving approximately 30 feet because clearly, I meant for you to walk straight when I’m pointing off to my right. Pointing to the correct bay and walking behind her while keeping one eye on the door, I try to show her the best seller bay.

Now, generally speaking, I need more to go on.

But I can’t leave the door, so if she needed more help than a generic area of the store, I need to call a coworker to handle it. Which meant in this case I didn’t really ask for specifics or title intending to call a coworker over regardless to move this process along.

However, before I could do that, she asks if this is non-fiction or fictions bestsellers.

Absentmindedly, I say it’s both.

Because it is.

She gets confused. I’m not sure how. I don’t understand how saying the bay of books, which is an organized shelf by ranking of bestselling books. Books.

Both of fiction and nonfiction because it is the top 20 bestselling books in our company right next to the bestselling books according to the New York Times. It encompasses both.

Both.

What is so hard about that?

I tell her yes, it includes non-fiction.

She begins to peruse the books there. I summon a fellow coworker to get the title and find the book for her instead of letting her look for it.

I also return to my post at the door and inform several other people attempting to come in, that we are now closed for the night because yes. The interaction had taken the entire two minutes. Several customers complete their check out and I wish them a goodnight before I’m interrupted mid-sentence by Karen.

“I can’t find the book. Is that all the James Patterson books you have?”

No. Of f*cking course not.

James Patterson is one of the most prolific authors we have. There are hundreds of his books, of course those aren’t the only ones we have. Those aren’t even the only ones in the new section. Even if he didn’t personally write them, his name is slapped on quite a few to help lesser-known authors sell their books.

There’s probably five to ten in the new release section at any time.

I ask her to hold on because I’m in the middle of manning the front door and letting customers out and that I’m keeping others from coming in.

She doesn’t seem to care and just tells me the title of the book she wants. Or as she later puts it needs.

I sigh.

Lady, I’m trying desperately to manage a building here while wrangling cats otherwise known as customers. I just don’t know.

Letting out a sigh while I try to hold my tongue because money is vital to life, I use my headset instead to tell my coworkers the title.

Karen seemed to think I was talking to her and asks me what I said. I inform her I was telling my coworkers – who are free to actually look for the book – what title you’re looking for. Because in case you haven’t noticed – I’m busy!

Nor do I know where every book in the store is. I’m good, but I’m not that good.

With that my coworker arrives to save me from saying something I should not and pulls Karen away with them.

Now here’s where my own foolishness comes in, I thought that interaction was done. I foolishly believed that there would be no more problems. My coworkers would swiftly find the book, Karen would check out, leave, and I would close the store and go about my close and thus my night as normal.

Boy was I wrong.

Really, I ought to know how these things are going to go by now. After all these years in retail and dealing with the general public, I ought to know better.

I manage to usher the rest of the customers out, because you know, they were already in line and understanding that the store was closing. They were sorting out their shit and leaving. It was kind of them. Or at the very least, non-asshole like.

While this happening up front and I’m telling people we’re closed, please stop trying to enter the building. Yes, there are still people in here. They were here before we closed and they’re checking out now. No, you cannot come in anyway.

Real things I’ve said to customers after we’re closed, by the way.

Unbeknownst to me, Karen is still bothering my staff.

I mean, while that’s not entirely true. I knew my staff was having difficulty finding the book. The computer claimed we had one left in the building, but they could not find it where it ought to be and asked for thoughts over the headset. So I knew there were follow-up issues, but that was on our end.

What I did not know until after the Karen left was that she kept telling my staff to keep looking because she needed the book for tomorrow.

This title was not published that day. We had been open for many hours. And lastly, it’s a book.

As I said before, no one ever needs a book.

My coworkers did their best.

They checked the front of store bays where it should be. The section it’s coded for. They checked sections it could have go into besides it’s own section. Checked the back shelves where we keep the extra of titles. Checked the cart where we keep only one or two of extra of titles. I suggested to check behind the register where we’ll keep stock sometimes to fill the front shelves without having to go all the way outback.

They scanned all the non-fiction bays.

They offered to order it despite me saying they did not have to offer at this hour because we’re technically closed and that is a time-consuming process. Something I would insist should be done tomorrow.

She declined the to order it because she absolutely needed it.

Any other General Nonsense stores were going to be closed by the time she could get there at this time of day, so we were her only option. She asked them to continue to look because the computer said we had a copy.

Apparently explaining that things get stolen or misplaced and we cannot search the entire store for one title when we have other options especially when we’re closed was not going well.

I stood at the front waiting for her to leave, not knowing she was basically demanding my staff search the entire store for her. Check every book and nook and cranny until they found the book, no matter what.

I kept my cashier at the front and stayed at the door because I can’t lock the door with customers inside. It’s a fire hazard.

Apparently, the employees don’t count because I can lock ourselves inside. I don’t know.

I’m waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Approaching ten minutes past close.

I get on my headset and tell my staff to inform her that we are sorry we cannot find the book, but we are closed for the night, we can resolve this matter tomorrow for her, but right now she needs to leave. I also say that if they do not feel comfortable passing this along, I will happily tell her myself.

And I would be oh-so happy.

However, my coworker was fine with passing along the message blaming me for the decision as I always tell them they are welcome to.

Karen is annoyed.

And at this point, my cashier who only knew tidbits of the problem asked what we had been looking for, so I gave her the title hoping it would end her line of questioning. Karen was approaching.

Now mind you, there’s like six of us at this close. Two of us were occupied with checking out customers and handling the door.

The other four, were helping this one customer.

It means four people searched for the book with location offers from me over the headset and could not find it.

Unless my cashier had it just chilling with her, I did not expect her to know where it was either or produce it quickly enough.

And I knew – I knew that if there was even a suggestion we might know where it was, Karen would be harder to get rid of.

Which is exactly what happened.

Karen is walking up between us to the doors as my cashier wondered if it was lost in the hardcover shop. I said I didn’t know, trying desperately to shoot her a look asking her to stop talking.

Alas, every single and glare and glance I shoot to my cashier is useless.

She keeps talking.

Could it be here? Or there? I’m surprised they couldn’t find it, it’s a popular new title.

Yes, it is, which is why we only have one according to the computer. Since we couldn’t find it either, suggests theft given the popularity of the title as well.

I’m still sending her looks.

She’s getting none of it.

Karen slows between us, looking at me hopefully like I’ll change my mind.

Yes, Jen might have the magical solution. Let’s keep looking until we die for Karen.

I said to Jen that we have checked all the obvious places with a tight voice and another look just as Karen pauses at the door looking at me all hopeful.

I’m irritated. It’s ten minutes past closing by this point. My own coworker isn’t taking a hint and neither is this Karen.

With the pause on the doorway, it all clicks for Jen who later reveals to me that until that moment, she thought this was a coworker or she wouldn’t have said anything. I asked what she thought about all my faces I was sending her. She didn’t see them.

She was cleaning up.

Which I appreciate, but damn Jen. You’re killing me.

The customer stands there.

Jen realized the mistake and that she’s given this customer a reason to pause and swiftly turns to exit the conversation.

I stare at the Karen.

Apparently, my face wasn’t doing a damn thing it was supposed to that night. I wanted it to tell Jen to stop talking and giving hope to this Karen. Then I wanted it to tell the Karen to f*ck off.

It did neither.

She just stood there, looking at me.

I raised my eyebrows questioningly, hoping she would take the hint.

I mean, what do I say and remain professional here?

We’re not looking for the book anymore, you freaking idiot. It’s after close, I have million things to do, take a hint.

Get out!

Leave!

Why are you still standing there? The book is not going to magically appear, and I’ve ceased caring to look for it.

The time for looking for shit has passed. We’re in clean up and get the eff out of here mode now and you’re interfering.

LEAVE.

To this day, I’ll never understand what she thought.

Oh, yes we couldn’t find it before but we’ll spend another six hours looking for it, because you’re here asking for it and you need it.

You’re not special Karen.

When she took none of those hints from my face I politely said “we couldn’t find it in any of the places she suggested. We checked them already. Have a good night.”

Or at least as politely as I could muster without killing anyone.

She left, I locked the door, yelled a little, and then Jen apologized since she didn’t notice that was the customer and thought it was one of us. Because we will continue keeping an eye for books if we don’t find them, it’s very common.

We don’t want to send you away without what you want. We don’t want misplaced books.

But that’s while we’re open and working.

We’re closed and you’re starting to encroach on our time because we have a list to do before we leave and you’re delaying it, Karen.

What the eff are people thinking?

The world does not revolve around you and as the manager of a place, and after close my obligation to you is over. It is about securing the store and getting my staff out on time because they’ve worked all day, and no one likes staying later than they have to.

But do you want to know what I learned from this interaction?

I have to get my face fixed or something. Clearly, there’s some disconnect between what I want it to say and what it’s saying.

Definitely need to work that out before the next close.

Sheesh.

Onto the next month!

Thanks for reading! Don’t forget to hit the like and subscribe buttons!