Amac Productions

Keys & Toilets!

Listen To This!

A woman flushed her keys down the toilet. Knowingly.

Yes, you heard that right. She knowingly flushed her keys down the toilet. For the purposes of this story, she’ll be known as Karen. Bet you didn’t see that name coming, huh?

Anyway, it started off like a typical day for me.

Went to work. Wanted to trade off with my counterpart who had been there all day. But I couldn’t find her. Asked a coworker and I was told she was with a customer.

I figured I’d just start working while I waited for her. How long could it be?

Not long.

She walks up and tells me that she feels bad for the customer she was just helping. She informs me that the lady flushed her keys down the toilet. I was puzzled.

Oh, she didn’t notice them until it was too late?

That was the question I posed.

But no.

She saw them.

But she thought this stupid little thing on her key chain would keep them from being flushed down the industrial toilet, that as my manager said and I quote, “She’s seen it flush a small toddler sized mummy’s worth of toilet paper.”

There was no way it some like rubber thing was saving it.

It’s like a life jacket up against an ocean whirlpool. You’re probably going to die.

Now, here’s also where I should mention my coworker is a better human than I. As she felt empathy and sympathy for this woman who saw her keys in the toilet and still flushed.

I – on the other hand – declared promptly that was stupid.

She admonished me, claiming kindness for the woman who lost her keys, and didn’t want to stick her hand in the toilet with her pee in it.

Well, I mean, at least it was her pee and not some strangers.

I mean, that would be wayyyyy worse in my opinion. To duck your hand, your bare hand in the toilet of some strange human being’s pee.

I’d never feel clean again.

Yuck.

But my own? I’ll suck it up and get my damn keys.

Nonetheless, the keys were gone and the woman was using our phone to get help. Because – you know – her car keys and house keys just went bye bye.

Down an industrial toilet into an interconnected septic tank system. They weren’t coming back.

She managed to get someone on the phone and left, waving to my set of managers on her way out without saying anything to anyone else. I know this, because I asked the managers. This is what they told me.

So that happened.

I imagine you’re probably sitting there right now, wondering where the funny is. Or how this is a memorable story.

Well, what if I told you, it didn’t end there?

Because it should, right?

She left.

Waved goodbye.

What else could be left?

Well, a whole bunch! Strap in.

Hours later. Like six hours later or so. The sun has set, we’re winding down for the night. It’s just me, some part timers, and our assistant store manager left in the store until close which is about an hour away.

We’re not crazy busy. Not even by a long shot.

It’s slow and we’re cleaning up.

There’s like four or five of us in total.

So my assistant store manager says she’s needs to use the bathroom. Nothing weird there. At all. People need to pee.

As second in the store, I’m in charge until she returns. I mean, I’m thinking what could possibly go wrong. I’ve got less than an hour in the store, she’s going to be in the bathroom for five minutes tops. How bad could things get?

Well, shit I shouldn’t have thought or said it.

No sooner did she go to the bathroom, but a woman approaches me asking a question about the sign plastered on the window leading into the building. She claimed it said that the picture book was 4 for 30 dollars.

I was confused as hell.

Because like, I work in a store that doesn’t sell food or clothing. We sell books. Not an item you typically need more than one of. Like, no one goes to a store playing to buy 4 copies of one book unless you’re a reseller or you’re weird or collecting the book.

Like there’s reasons.

It’s not like chips!

Chips only last until you eat them or they’re old. Eventually, well, you’ll need more.

Unless you destroy your books when you read them, one copy typically suffices. Sometimes, two if you’re buying for a friend.

But since it’s not typical there are never sales to purchase the same book multiple times.

That’s just weird.

I tell her that’s probably not what it says in the politest way I can.

Which, like if you’ve never worked in retail, you perfect the art of telling someone they’re an idiot without saying those words. Because those words get you fired. And well, I like money.

Kindly, I asked her to tell me what she’s referring to, and she references the sign again, and demands we check it.

Which we do.

The sign says, On Sale 4/30. It’s written like that until pictures of multiple books which is the date the book is published. Which I explain though she claims it’s confusing, I said the signs been hanging for months, and you’re the only confused one.

So….

Yeah.

That’s a nice way of saying, it’s you lady.

Karen asks for the picture book anyway, so I take her back inside to the children’s section which is where she found me.

Now here’s the point where everything changes when I hand her the book. I assume that will be all of the conversation unless she needs something else.

What I’m not expecting is her to demand to know if there’s a manger in the building.

So firmly and angry I was taken aback because I didn’t think the signage was that big of a deal or that confusing, nor did I blame her for misunderstanding it.

But hey, people have gotten pissed at me over smaller things, so what do I know?

I said, currently I’m the manager.

She eyes me.

Like she doesn’t believe me.

Which happens a lot. Either I’m too young or they think I’m fucking with them, so I don’t have to get a real manager and get in trouble. Which is not true.

If I can pawn off a problem on someone better to handle the issue, I will. Especially as someone who was only equipped to cover lunches. I didn’t handle major issues. No sir.

She demands someone higher than me.

I said the only other person is indisposed at the moment.

She asks me if the woman is blonde and I’m super wary at this moment, because what?

How do you know that? Are you plotting to hurt her? My mind is running a mile a minute thinking this woman might be here to do harm to a coworker.

But she carries on telling me how rude the blonde manager was earlier when she was here and now, I’m super confused, because if you were here earlier – why didn’t we handle the issue then?

Because my managers are not one to let issues lie.

I explained that was probably our ASM (Assistant Store Manager.)

She demanded to speak to the person in charge of the entire building. I said, the store manager, is not currently in. She’s gone home for the day, but I can get you a number to call back tomorrow to try and speak with someone.

She demanded to know if the SM matched a description, which it did. And she told me the SM was even less helpful than the ASM and she wanted to make a compliant.

I asked what exactly happened and it turns out, this is the woman who flushed her keys down the toilet.

And this interaction goes on for a while, but the gist is that it’s our fault her keys are gone. We owe her a new key fob, we were unhelpful, not bothering to get a plumber to get her keys back. And at this point my manger has returned and sees me trapped and comes over to assist.

Karen reams her for not even offering to get a plunger to get her keys back.

To which my ASM responds by telling her ‘that’s not how plungers work.’

Thankfully, I managed to stop my snicker from escaping.

Because yeah, a plunger. What the hell was that going to do?

Plungers get rid of clogs by pushing them further. Do you think we have magic plungers that will only plunge things meant to be in the toilet? But not your precious keys?

Keys – mind you – that you saw and chose to flush anyway!

My ASM pointed out that she could have asked for help, but we didn’t know anything until it was too late. AFTER SHE HAD FLUSHED.

Karen said she offered – she did not – to pay for a plumber but as I’ve already pointed out. It’s in the septic tank. Once it’s not in the bowl, it’s there, and if you want it lady, they empty it every Monday morning at 7.

Feel free to jump in.

Bring a flashlight and a metal detector!

Like? What?

But hey, Karen, guess what? This could have been avoided if you just sucked it up and stuck your hand into your own pee and grabbed your keys.

Also, pointed out by my two coworkers that were quickly informed of this story after she left, were wondering how the keys got in the toilet in the first place.

Did she have them in her hand? Her purse? Why were they out? Instead of safely tucked somewhere far away from the toilet bowl?

I mean, I have yet to toss my keys in the toilet when I’m peeing. Regardless of where I am.

Maybe that’s just me? And all my coworkers since and everyone else I’ve literally told this story to.

But wait! There’s more!

Yes! There is.

Not only is she unhappy with both of us explaining there was literally nothing we could do because the keys are gone. They’re in the septic tank and even if you could get them back, I’d doubt you’d want them now.

Just saying.

Of course, since Karen isn’t getting anywhere useful with us she wants to speak to corporate and report us.

You know, typical Karen shit.

My ASM offers her the number to call our District Manager. A perfectly reasonable and valid response by my ASM as this was custom. Literally.

It’s part of the escalation process, that if a customer wants the number, we’re required by company policy to give it to them. Or we’re in trouble then. And honestly, no one has an issue with this policy.

Corporate does their thing to make the customer happy and we don’t deal with it anymore. Win win.

However, Karen doesn’t believe we’ll give her the number.

I say we, because she refused the number from my ASM, so I offered to give it to her as well. But she refused it from me as well, despite both of us having the number on our person.

She decreed to us that she would find it herself and stormed off.

Leaving the ASM and I staring at each other in pure bewilderment. Because well, we were super bewildered by this experience.

Sure, we’ve had customers lose their shit on us before. But usually in the moment, not six hours later!

And neither of us ever had anyone believe we would give them a fake number before. So we were shocked and confused and debating what to do with this information.

Ultimately, we decided to contact our SM to see what they wanted to do, because that was a lot.

But while we’re texting them, this Karen is still on the loose in our store.

Because, no, it doesn’t end there either!

She doesn’t leave the store. She goes to the front registers.

At the register, she finds a nice guy. Let’s call him Dan. Dan works nights here, only nights here. He had no idea any of this happened nor did he even know a customer flushed their keys because until this event, it wasn’t much of a story.

Dan is kindly minding his own business, cleaning up. He has a third shift job he’s got to get to after this and he has a family to provide for, so he’s a chill dude. Very polite and sweet. I tell you this, to inform you that this poor guy had no idea the shitstorm heading his way.

Because he told us he started off the interaction normally, greeting the customer, and she gave him attitude right off the bat. Demanding the number for corporate.

Which Dan doesn’t have. He can’t leave the register to get it, so he’s forced to ask my ASM.

Who then has to deliver it up front with the smuggest smile ever and Dan being oh so confused by everything happening as Karen is forced to take the number or make a bigger ass out of herself.

She takes the number and leaves the store.

My ASM cackling the entire time and Dan rushing to the edge of the registers demanding to know what he missed.

So we relay the info to the staff while contacting the SM who said we did all we could and went on confused herself because as the woman left the store, she gave no indication she was still distressed. As she smiled and waved goodbye to them on her way out. In what world does that mean she blamed us?

Suffice to say, this Karen became a legend we tell stories about.

Thanks for reading! Spread the love and read on!