Amac Productions

Okay, okay, first things first!

While we watching this episode together, I stopped it to say it was hilarious that Joxer just plucked Xena from the scrolls and put himself in, instead.

She was confused and thought Joxer made up stuff as well.

But listen, listen okay. We had a bit of discussion about this moment, because Gabrielle specifies that Joxer saved Ulysses. Which was actually Xena. Suggesting that he read the scrolls to Gabrielle exactly as they were, only taking Xena’s name out and putting his name in.

It works and it doesn’t all at the same time.

Because clearly he added things as well. But however, he does put himself in Xena’s place, and thus the conclusion that the memoryless Gabrielle draws is that they’re totally in love.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong or if you think something else here, but this just feels like an excellent way to get around the censors. Oh, like it’s just Joxer being a creep.

Which made my skin crawl – mind you. Until I thought of it as using him as a stand in for Xena. Replacing a woman with a man to illustrate to the audience that they’re together because if Xena were a man all the time, this would clearly be a love story. Which is already it, just more subtle.

“Subtle.”

Then if it were a man and a woman.

This also made me feel way better about how it frames Joxer, because it was so odd for him to do this. Clearly, because as soon as the writers have made their point – at least to me – they stop it before it goes any further. Allowing Joxer to redeem himself by not taking advantage of the situation.

That’s my take on it! What do you guys think? Someone please tell, I’m dying to know if I’m the only one who thought of it this way.

Anyway, back to the episode itself – which damn!

Despite being known as a Xena-lite episode, it does not at all fail to deliver an impressive episode.

The focus turns to Gabrielle as she copes with the memories she has of all that’s happened this season. Betraying Xena. The loss of her daughter. Their fight. She’s struggling to handle the guilt and the pain of it all.

Given everything that has happened in my own life, I completely understand Gabrielle’s willingness to consider giving up her memories. To erase the pain like it never happened.

However, like Gabrielle, I arrive at the same conclusion – without the pain, we wouldn’t know joy or happiness.

We wouldn’t have all the good memories as well. If we erased everything, we erase all the good times. All that we are. Because we are both. We cannot have one without the other.

As awful as it is.

Last year, I lost my house, my cat, and my grandfather to a house fire.

I wouldn’t trade any of the good memories away just to get rid of the pain. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t want to.

But like Gabrielle, to arrive at that conclusion, you must travel through the stages of grief.

Which is kind of how this entire episode feels to me. Yes, we do have Gabrielle uncovering a repressed memory as well, but we also have her coming to terms with her choices. With her life. And everything that goes with it.

These trails do feel like the stages of grief to me, honestly.

And they don’t quite follow a linear path. Which if you experienced grief – you’ll know it’s never linear.

We’d like to think that we follow them in order and reach the end and that’ll be that. But it isn’t. This episode isn’t even the end of the grief for Gabrielle. Coming to terms with it and understanding it, doesn’t mean you won’t have days where you want to scream at the sky in anger.

Or cry in sadness.

You’ll experience all the stages again. Maybe to a lesser degree. Maybe longer apart. But you never get rid of it. You’re never going to get to the end of the stages and go, alright never have to think about that again. I can just put that on a shelf and it’ll never bother me again.

Nope. Emotions don’t work like that.

But working through the stages allows for coping.

Meaning, Gabrielle won’t go through quite as large a process again.

I really love this episode. I love Gabrielle dealing with Ares. Her bargaining with him or herself as she goes along. Her anger at herself and her jealousy. Her anger at the real Ares and herself for making a deal with him.

Denial.

Depression.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Acceptance.

All of it.

Not in order. In a messy, chaotic, perfectly Xena way to deal with grief. Grief over her lost child. Over the decision she made to make a deal with Ares. Despite knowing what it would cost her one day. Because you know, he’s going to collect on that favor. And in the worst way possible.

Gabrielle struggles against every stage.

Believing it’ll be fine. Or easy. Or that someone could throw her a life preserver. That the memories of past events won’t keep haunting you. Replaying over and over and over in your mind wondering what you could have done different.

Stealing your breath with reminder.

Thrusting you back into that moment all over again.

Maybe even a little PTSD in this episode as well.

Repressed memory.

This episode covers a whole lot and hits pretty close to home for me, as I understand the struggle Gabrielle faces. That moment when she says she can’t go forward or back hit me.

Feeling stuck in the pain is a very real, and terrifying feeling. Like you’ll never escape and you’ll be in this pain forever. It’s hard to remember, this will pass like all things.

As Gabrielle understands herself and her feelings a bit better, we see the flashback of the repressed memory and then we get Gabrielle discussing it with the fake Ares. While he tries to persuade her to forget everything.

Her whole speech is amazing and delivered stunningly by Renee.

But there’s just one thing I want to point out. Just one tiny detail.

In the flashback and the episode, itself, we have Gabrielle ask Xena if there’s someone out there that she owes so much to, that she would throw away the last few years. Xena – pained – responds with a ‘yes.’

In the current moment, Gabrielle is upset at Xena for loving someone else. For giving her everything and yet it seemingly meaning nothing to Xena because she would throw it away to be there for someone else.

Except – here’s the thing – I don’t believe that.

Short of Solan, I don’t believe there’s anyone Xena loves more than Gabrielle.

Hear me out, okay?

Xena does definitely love Lao Ma. There’s no question about that to me.

Except in the past, when given an opportunity to change. To become a better version of herself that Lao Ma believed Xena could be, she instead chose to continue along on her dark path. Leaving Lao Ma in her wake.

I don’t think Xena sees Lao Ma as someone she loves more than Gabrielle, I think she sees her as someone she didn’t love enough.

She didn’t love Lao Ma enough to change. To stay. To become the Warrior Princess instead of the Destroyer of Nations. Instead, she carried on, on her dark path until she encountered Hercules. Even despite how low she had sunk by the time Lao Ma and Xena met, she wasn’t ready.

She didn’t love her enough.

I don’t think there’s any force on Earth powerful enough to keep Xena from Gabrielle. From turning from her darker ways. From pulling her back. Gabrielle will always be the one she chooses over everything else.

Xena is finally ready and able to return to help Lao Ma because of Gabrielle. Not in spite of her.

I feel like Xena is acting more through regret, than love.

While she still cares for Lao Ma. She always will. Much like Gabrielle will always care for her husband. She’s not acting out of love for the other woman – but a regret that she was not there for her. That she didn’t love her enough to stay.

That her love for Lao Ma wasn’t greater than her lust for power.

While I can absolutely understand where Gabrielle is coming from in that moment and now, I do feel that her feelings are clouding the truth. Xena would never choose anyone over Gabrielle.

Gabrielle wasn’t in danger.

She could stay in Greece and be fine.

While Xena was not listening in terms of ‘don’t kill anyone.’ It wasn’t like she was leaving and never coming back. Not to mention, it’s not the first or last time Xena will kill someone. So..

It was more of what Lao Ma represented.

An old lover called and Xena went. Without question or hesitation.

Well, yes.

She regrets not being there before and you’re fine right now, Gabrielle. She’s taking a trip to Chin to murder someone and will be home for dinner.

If you were dying like you were in One Against An Army, I’m pretty sure Xena would have let Chin burn to the ground much like she wanted to do with Greece.

To Gabrielle it appeared like Xena was choosing Lao Ma over her. To Xena, she felt she owed it to Lao Ma to finally show up and do the right thing.

Very big difference.

Guilt and regret are not love.

However, I could understand why Gabrielle thought and acted accordingly to those emotions.

Thus, a truly fantastic piece of TV here. These characters are so layered and multifaceted. Dynamic and interesting that I could probably spend hours and days discussing them. They’re rich with history and character and intrigue as they grow and change throughout the show.

I love it.

I also love that Xena allowed Gabrielle to do this without her influence.

Fearing that she might cause Gabrielle to decide based on what Xena wants, instead of what Gabrielle wants or needs.

Also, it speaks to how much Xena does trust Joxer that she left him alone with her. Which again, makes me feel like Joxer’s odd behavior was a plot device to illustrate that Xena and Gabrielle are a couple and we can get away with it using Joxer as a beard.

I really loved Xena and Gabrielle reuniting at the end.

Gabrielle realizing that Xena set this up to help her come to terms with some inner demons. All because Gabrielle ‘talks in her sleep.’ Which feels super domestic to me, by the way.

That’s the sort of thing I expect from love interests. Just pointing that out.

Overall, I loved this episode and how emotionally charged it was. What about you guys? Send me thoughts! Tell me things! Drop some comments about this episode!

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