Amac Productions

Superhero Sunday – Thirst

Season five of Smallville possesses not only the highest of highs, but the lowest of lows as well.

It holds the number 1 rated episode and the worst rated episode. Apparently, season five struggled from time to time.

Regardless, the worst episode of Smallville according to IMDB is Thirst.

And well, I really can’t argue or blame that rating in any way. I agree. 100%. Okay, review over.

I’m just kidding. Sigh.

To this day, I can still remember when this episode aired. I remembered watching the episode before – which was really good by the way – and seeing the promo for this episode. At the time I was very little and all things vampire or creature freaked me the h*ll out, so I noped out of the episode real hard.

Just straight up told my parents – who watched Smallville too – that I’d skip that one.

After it aired, I asked my dad if I missed anything interesting and he said ‘no.’ So flat and annoyed and said I should be glad I skipped it because even though it was not at all terrifying as far as he was concerned, it sucked nonetheless. Pun not intended.

Years later after deciding that vampires and all creatures were actually awesome, I watched the episode during a Smallville rewatch just to see.

And yuck.

I hated it. It was terrible. I liked absolutely nothing about it and did not watch it again until now.

Someone save me.

I mean, the only saving grace about this episode is Carrie Fisher and even she could not pull this episode from the crapper. Seriously, just flush it down the toilet.

And it makes me super happy and somewhat annoyed to know that Kristen Kreuk, Lana Lang’s actress was equally annoyed with this episode and uninterested in it. Which is revealed on Talkville, I believe.

Regardless, she and Tom Welling talk about the episode and he reveals that he remembers she hated doing the episode.

Which comes across.

Not that, that is a bad thing. It definitely works in character for Lana at this moment in time, because she equally does not want to be doing what she’s doing. It works. I definitely approve of that acting choice, which was less of a choice, and more of a protest. Kreuk was opposed to the episode and rightly so.

She wanted to be past all the bimbo and sex appeal by this point in the series. Yet they people behind the scenes wanted skin and sex to go with their fake vampires.

And I hate it.

Honestly, the best episode of the series involves most of the women (especially) bundled up or dressed normally.

Seriously, read my review of Reckoning. It’s amazing episode.

Lana spends most of the episode in thick coats with a scarf. Chloe is dressed for work. Martha Kent is also bundled up for winter and then dressed for a political party. And Lois is dressed casually for home, maybe it’s tight but that’s the least of the concerns. Then dresses professionally for the party as well.

There is literally no sex appeal going on, yet it’s the best episode of the series.

It’s almost like… Great writing and acting is way better than just having a half-naked woman for the sake of a half-naked woman.

I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.

Damn, I really hate this episode.

I have nothing nice to say about it.

Like, the name of the villain mocks the name of the hero in a cult classic vampire series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It makes no sense. What they do with the villain is the opposite of what Buffy is supposed to represent, so taking her name and twisting it back is terrible.

It’s not funny.

It’s not cute.

And it doesn’t even make sense plot wise or world wise or theme wise. It’s just dumb.

What were you trying to say?!

Nothing. This episode literally had nothing to say.

It had sex appeal. Carrie Fisher. Apparently, those were supposed carry this episode through some pretty awful creative missteps.

Only for us to arrive where you could have just decided to go. We did not need this episode to pair Chloe and Lana as roommates in college. You could have just done that and made an entirely different episode.

H*ll, you could have made an episode with the two of them adjusting to being roommates again after a couple of years have gone by. With one of them having an adult relationship happening while the other works night and day to make her dreams come true.

Maybe a different take on Chloe getting the job.

Something with substance.

Also, and I can’t say why entirely – but the fake vampire thing gets me.

Why fake vampires?

It’s canon in DC comics that there are vampires. See Batwoman. Thank you. Why do you need to concoct some weird serum or disease thing that mimics vampirism?

Are you seriously telling me that vampires are too much for this series?

We can do time travel. Superpowers. Meteor freaks with crazy powers like controlling electricity or glass or stealing heat. Crazy flowers that make you lose your mind. A literal alien with all the superpowers. Two meteor showers landing in the exact same place on earth. What are the odds of that, do you think?

A guy who can breathe underwater. Superspeed. Power switching. Teleporting. Mystical stones that hold the secret of the universe. Witches. Reincarnation. Possession. Phantom zones.

And so much more.

But vampires? That’s just too much of stretch? Got to attempt to base it in reality?

I wish you hadn’t given me an explanation. Just straight up random vampires for one episode in Smallville or Metropolis would have been fine with me.

Why overly complicate that for an episode that you clearly didn’t care for?

Although, there is a theory that Chloe made the entire thing up, which just does not fit with Chloe’s character at all. Nor does she need to make anything up.

Her entire career at the Torch she fought to spread the truth about the meteor freaks and keep people informed. She’s not exactly out here spreading misinformation to people. Nor does the world she lives in require anything to be made up. She’s literally best friends with an alien.

While I also agree that the Daily Planet is a reputable paper, with all the facts backing it up with a CDC report, and people getting kicked out of school. With Lex Luthor also providing a cue. This feels like a pretty legit story to run. It also takes place in your own backyard.

Maybe that’s just me.

You’re going to have a flying dude featured pretty heavily in the future, I’m not sure what you have against vampires.

Milton Fine AKA Brainic does stuff.

Mostly attempting to earn Clark’s favor. Which Lex Luthor warns Clark to stay away from him, but Lex doesn’t have a spotless reputation either. Since Fine is also warning Clark that Lex is no good.

You know what Clark?

They’re both right.

Avoid both of them, actually. Or yeet them into the sun now and save your future self some problems. Just saying.

Clark likes his cape but not his mask. Chloe narrates the story, magically knowing what other people are up to even though she’s not there.

I suppose I could come with a story for why that happened. Like maybe she interviewed the people there and they told her what they said. Word for word. Exactly. While carefully detailing all the other facts.

Or maybe Chloe filled in the blanks of stories people told her.

Or maybe it’s a freaking TV show and they didn’t think any of this through because this episode is a hot mess. A not well thought out hot mess that should never have aired or exist. Ever.

It was bad.

I totally agree with this ranking. And if I could rank it lower than the worst, I would.

Excuse me, I need to bleach my brain and attempt to forget this episode for a second time while keeping the feelings so that I am reminded that I should never watch it again. Ever.

Thank you. Thank for you reading. And for your sake, take my advice and don’t watch this episode. Ever.

Spread the love and read on!

Please consider becoming a supporter over on Patreon! Thank you!